Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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