No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
