i love accidental penises.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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