just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize