I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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