I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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