Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
