I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
