please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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