community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
