Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
