Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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