i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
