Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
