I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
