My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
