I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
