I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
