I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
