She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
