my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
