Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
