just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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