When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
