I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
