Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
