And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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