Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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