Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
