Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
