just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
