My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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