I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
