summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Of course I have a pirate flag
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize