My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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