I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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