That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
