a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
