I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
