She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
