I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
