Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
