I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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