And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
