Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
