I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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