Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
