The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize