so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
