mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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