is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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