I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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