Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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