I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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