I must be too annoying 4 u.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
