This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
