Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize