I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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