Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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