I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
