Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
