turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
