I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
