Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
