just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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