i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
