Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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